Question:
Salamaleikum dear sheik Gibreel.
About three months ago my wife requested me to marry another sister as a second wife. She had big plans and dreams of us becoming a strong family and through this a support for our little community. I hesitated and only after asking her to look in my eyes and swear by ALLAH this is what she wants agreed on it. the other sister was willing to live in this constellation in order to be with me as her husband.
the next day maulanas grandson Mehmet Nazim Efendi visited our dergah and the nikah was done.through this marriage then second wife was pulled back into Islam, started to wear em>hijjab, and started to connect with maulana. On the second day after the nikah the first wife started to make all kinds of trouble.
Since then the first wife is making big trouble, says she is sorry then again big trouble and the whole situation starts to be a big burden on me, my second wife and the whole family. Also my second wife suffers from serious panic attacks that get triggered off by all these troubles. my heart also got kind of cold and closed through all this nasty behaviour of hers and I stopped even to feel able to achieve a state of sexual arousment towards her in order to satisfy her needs. Meanwhile she asked me to leave the house since she cant cope with the pain of the situation. Since three weeks I live entirely with my second wife and the situation of not knowing how everything will continue is a extreme heavy burden on everyone.
My second wife says feels like I am the man she waited for her whole life and wants to learn about Islam and tariqat from me. she says she is still ready to live in this constellation even if she doesn’t know how to go through it after all the abuse that was done from the first wife. I have no children with the first wife. If its possible I would be more than pleased to hear from you and your highly valued opinion on this situation that I described to you.
Please pray for us.
Answer:
Alaykum Salam,
Balancing two wives is a test in itself and requires much patience and forgiveness, generosity of spirit and material generosity as well with your person, time and money.
A first wife’s best intention gets dashed by natural feelings of jealousy, possessiveness, disappointment, fear of loss of a special relationship she once had and more. She might have made her promise with full sincerity and yet her weakness overtook her. Have mercy for her and you will be shown mercy from above in sha Allah. If you can see to it to try your best to effect reconciliation, overtures of tenderness to win back her love which she is at a loss to recover, then try. She is after all your companion of the first hour with whom you have shared much more than anyone else; you can let her know that nothing and no one can ever replace that. She is part of you in a way that you yourself will miss too much if you cut her off.
You may view this as a way for you to grow spiritually and to help yourself and others through patient human interaction. Nowadays people are much more demanding than in the past and also fragile, and they require almost child care at times, sometimes beyond reasonable expectations. However, in tariqa it is good to bear and bear patiently without seeking the easy way out even if the latter is also a halal alternative. Ask Allah for help and madad. The situation will improve and abuse will turn back to understanding and acceptance, respect and love when she sees your strength and affection in sha Allah.
May Allah grant you and your expanded family the best here and hereafter.
Hajj Gibril Haddad
