Question:
Is it allowed for men to not get married for fear of not fulfilling rights of the wife (emotional rights)? I have witnessed my parent’s marriage for 23 years, and it’s mostly been violent fights and verbal abuses. I just can’t figure out logically how two completely different people can come together and live with each other.
I am not able to connect with women. Even living in the West with all this fitna, I don’t feel much for women. I can then use my wealth completely for the sake of Allah (sadaqah, zakah, etc.) and go on to study Quran and hadith (my goal Inshallah).
Please advise me on the best course of action and please make dua for me to be among the Saliheen and Shuhadah.
May Allah bless all of the eShaykh staff bi hurmatil habib (S) for the incredible work you have done. Ameen.
Answer:
Sharia-wise it is allowed not to get married only when one is certain they cannot fulfill the other person’s rights, such as impotence. Otherwise, even if one possesses absolute self-control it is still abominable not to marry. True, a few awliya and scholars exceptionally chose not to marry but they were not disconnected, rather they were able to share and understand the problems of others in order to be able to help them; and even so, they did not escape blame and might not have reached the highest levels because they parted with the example emphatically taught and embodied by the Holy Prophet, upon him blessings and peace.
Mawlana Shaykh Nazim so often said how much today modern societies (both East and West) are reeling in dysfunctionality, so disconnection is no surprise. Yet he never advised not to marry, on the contrary he always emphasizes it because mercy is still raining from above for whoever asks. Allah Most High forever describes the spouse as one’s shelter of peace, the Prophet (s) forever describes marriage as half of one’s religion and halal sex as an act of worship, and Mawlana has often said to male visitors: “Do not visit me again until you are married.” Even logically alone it might be difficult to study Qur’an and Hadith and ask for the highest levels of sainthood without taking to heart those simple teachings of life and revisit any misanthropic or misogynistic notions that might be affecting us.
Your caution is understandable, but plenty of people go on to avoid the mistakes they saw their parents make so try not to lose your trust in creation to cynicism. If you want to make yourself happy in this life, you can also plan to share that in the best way prescribed in the spiritual path and go on to grow and be happy here and hereafter in sha Allah.
Hajj Gibril Haddad
