Question:
Assalamualaikum warrahmatullahi wabarakatuhu,
Syeikh, I have a problem with my plan to get married. I have a boyfriend currently living in Pakistan, but I live with my family in Indonesia. We plan to get married as soon as possible, but my family doesn’t allow me to quit my current job and they prefer if I choose a man from our own country. I try to help my boyfriend to find a job in Indonesia, but it is very difficult. But to live separately after getting married is also not encouraged by Islam. What should I do Syeikh? I love my family and want to make them happy, but I also want to find my own happiness. My boyfriend and I, we find are compatible to each other. Who should I choose?
Answer:
wa `alaykum salam,
A mixed-nationality marriage brings complications which you need to consider. Your parents do not want to see you cut off from them after marriage and probably neither do you want to break off relations with them or live in a foreign culture and be estranged from them.
Try to secure blessing and help from your parents and involve them in a way that shows your consideration for them. For example, in view of their preference you can ask them to introduce you to whoever they consider the best marriage party or parties for you so that you give them a chance to contribute to your happiness in this respect. If they cannot then you can explain to them your own preference and perhaps they can help you secure a job for your proposed spouse in Indonesia. Otherwise you and they know that a wife is expected to follow her husband, not vice versa; so that means that you might eventually live in a different country and it might break their hearts.
Make the istikhara prayer frequently concerning your current intended spouse and resolve to follow whatever inspiration Allah Most High sends to your heart, as He likes for you and your parents to continue to be happy together in your lives, not to grow apart. It is up to you, and Allah knows best.
Hajj Gibril Haddad
