I am deeply upset. I have been running after the Awliya Allah all of my life, but everywhere I go it is exactly the same. I now want to leave this tariqa. One issue in my life has been stuck and continues to remain stuck. Despite all the invocations MSH gave me to recite, the ‘halaal‘ door is still closed and has been closed for twenty years. I am now in my late 30s, weak and loosing my iman. I have to make a choice, I cannot stay where I am. If I walked through that ‘haraam‘ door would Allah (swt) still punish me?
Allah said not to despair and not to be sad. Prophet (upon him blessings and peace) said not to say I pray and pray yet I get no answer. Read Qur’an 3:125 and 3:140.
Each haram we commit blots the heart until it becomes completely dark then Allah might seal it (He is our refuge from that!). It may be the halal door is wide open but we are making it so narrow ourselves.
Do not walk out but rather persevere with the company of the righteous. Otherwise you are only punishing yourself.
Hajj Gibril Haddad