Question:
Asalam-U-Alikum
I was thinking for a very long time to write a letter to ask questions that have accrued over the past years. So instead of writing different emails to ask each question I am asking all the questions I have in this single email. Since there are number of questions asked here, it will be alright of Hazrat takes time to fully address the questions. I can wait for the answers but I would be highly obliged if I get deep and meaningful answers. These are the questions I don’t feel discussing with anyone neither my family nor friends. Please forgive me in advance if my questions appear silly at first but I just needed an elaboration and clarification on them as they are making me very distressed. So following are my questions.
1) Is there any special prayer or zikar in Islam through which a person can determine what is his status is with Allah. Whether he is seen bad or good person by Allah. The reasoning is that in worldly life a person can easily get a feedback for his efforts that he is putting in to achieve a particular result. For instance a student in class can get marks in his monthly tests through which he can measure his performance and can also get constant feedback from teacher to let him know how he is performing in the class. All this will help him in his final annual exam as through constant feedback he knows where he is lacking and where he needs to improve. All this is very important for him to learn, improve where he is lacking and to successfully pass the final exam. Now since the biggest test for a human is this worldly life, is it possible to get feedback in how he is doing in the eyes of Allah so he can correct himself where he’s lacking? Wouldn’t it be good if he could find his status with Allah so he can correct himself before he dies? Instead of just living and dying and later finding that he failed in his mission. Normally a person following Quran is considered successful but still he could be doing some sin unknowingly which ultimately lands him in hell. But only if he knew somehow through a feedback, he could have corrected himself in life and would have been successful in hereafter. So is there a way to find your status with Allah and get feedback when one wants to check so he corrects himself before he dies?
2) Another question is that I have been deeply depressed for many years now and for past one year I have become extremely suicidal. Every few days I get extreme suicidal thoughts. I don’t feel any interest in life, going out with friends, or pursuing any ambition. I cannot hold down jobs for long. I don’t know what I should do in life, where should I invest myself, and in which field I should realize myself. I deeply feel to just run away from everything to a village or country site and just worship Allah and make connection with Him. I also feel I should die and better not live in this world. I feel that I don’t belong in this world and I am a soul locked in this body and I should leave this body quickly and go to the other world and meet with Allah and be with Him. I feel I should be living in the soul world and not this material world as that is my true home. This urge is so strong that I don’t feel any interest in life and no motivation or direction and cannot concentrate and progress in career. Now this urge has reached a point where my life has come to a standstill and I don’t know what to do. What do you think I should do? This wish has made me so depressed that I am constantly praying to Allah to help me and show me some clear sign or perhaps a dream about what should I do and how to go about my life. Is it possible to ask Allah to show dream for guidance?
3) Also many times I get sexual energy which I find very hard to control and then I resort to pornography and I hate it later on and I cry and ask for Allah’s forgiveness and I want to break this habit. I am virgin Alhamdulilah and never had any girlfriend. At the same time marriage is out of option. I don’t have any money or job at the moment and I cannot bear any expenses for myself let alone a wife and kids. It will take 2 or 3 years for me to settle down. In the meanwhile what can I do to protect myself? Also I follow the hadith which says that young men who cannot marry should do continuous fasting and I do that Alhamdulilah. I fast most of the year to protect myself from sins and sexual energy but still sometimes this sexual energy gets through and messes with me and takes me to pornography. What should I do in the meanwhile until I can get married? How should I solve this problem? I want to get rid of it completely and be pious.
4) My greatest ambition in life is to see Allah and meet Him. I always dream about it and desire it and for years I have been praying to Allah to give me the highest level of spirituality, cleanness of heart and piety. I am very interested in achieving high level spiritual powers but just don’t know where to begin. But whenever I am trying to keep myself clean and raise my spirituality, I feel pulled down by Shaitan and it makes me cry as I am constantly trying to go higher and higher but Shaitan tempts me and brings me back to the ground level of spirituality and this breaks my soul and hurts me badly as I feel all my prayers and efforts to go high in spirituality are always wasted. This has so much traumatic effect on me that I cannot concentrate on other things in life. Since this is totally contrary to my life ambition to be pious and meet Allah it has drastic impact on my psyche and makes me terribly sad for few days.
5) I would like to ask if these problems of mine had to do with my being possessed with devil. Is something feeding off my energy field? As some Alim long ago said that my house is haunted by demons but I don’t belief in that since I never saw anything and never felt anything and nothing has ever harmed me. Is it possible that my thoughts and feelings are due to my being possessed by devil? Because I don’t understand how can I be polar opposite that on one hand I desire to meet Allah and be successful and reach highest levels of spirituality and on the other I want to commit suicide, I am depressed and get messed with sexual energy ? Alhamduliah I have been doing 5 time prayers since I was 15 or 16 years old. I am very religious and spiritual person. I do fasting and do special prayers every now and then as well. I love Allah and want to meet him. Then why do I have these suicidal, depressive and sexual thoughts. Why is there polar opposite personality in me? What is the reason for it? Is it possession by devil or something else?
6) Another thing I want to know is that is it possible for Hazrat to tell me the meaning of few very important dreams I had seen years ago and I have not been able to understand the meaning of them? After those dreams my life had been getting tough. I didn’t mention my dreams here as I thought it appropriate to first take permission. And if Hazrat says yes then in my next email I can mention my dreams. I would be highly obliged if he can help me with the interpretation of those dreams.
Jazakallah
Answer:
Wa Alaykum Salam wa Rahmatullah,
Mawlana Shaykh Hisham is praying for you.
Alhamdulillah you are indeed very fortunate, but you don’t realize it. You are as you said, pious and practicing Muslim and your desire is to meet Allah (swt). You are afflicted as most young people by sexual desire. The cure for that is not porn nor abstinence but only marriage. Don’t say I can’t, but rather intend firmly to do it and Allah will enrich you from His Bounty as He has promised. Once you set firm intention for marriage, you will find all these issues will clear up inshaAllah, and while Allah may test the firmness of your resolution, you will have the tawfeeq of true repentance and float on the wings of sincerity.
Taher Siddiqui
